SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to the Askful Skinny Podcast with a guest. I'm proud to present Steven Ferrara. Steven, welcome to the show. Please tell us more about yourself. What is your story?

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Thank you, Peter. I'm really happy to be here. You know, I uh uh my story is is uh like many people, uh I've lived a very traditional life, uh have a family, uh children, uh wife, um, started a business very early on in my life, um, 18 years old, started selling life insurance door-to-door. And uh through the 70s and the 80s, that grew into uh a large financial services company uh through the 90s and just six years ago, I sold it. And, you know, it was uh quite a large financial services uh business in the Northeast area. Um we had about 100 advisors and um, you know, and maybe another 30 or 40 uh people in management and support. So, you know, I was very fortunate to ride that wave uh, you know, through the 80s, 90s, early 2000s where finance was growing. Um, you know, uh in terms of my personal life, uh it's uh about as good a uh quality uh life as I could have ever asked. But, you know, like many people's lives, my uh mine took some twists and turns. And one of the most traumatic, in fact, the most traumatic by far, was uh my 23-year-old son Christopher, who was uh really my best friend. We just had a bond, we could end each other's sentences. He was in business with me. We did everything together, and uh and he had an unfortunate uh accident, car accident, and he died at age 23. And uh not too many years later, my wife of almost 40 years at that time passed away. So those are some just major traumatic life challenges that uh I had to find a way to move through. And uh, you know, I I uh will talk more about that, uh, but I will say uh to to uh to talk about uh some of the things that your audience uh tune in for with midlife crisis and how to get through them. I certainly did mine as well. Uh it was actually before any of these uh traumatic experiences happened. And um, you know, I didn't uh I didn't feel satisfied with uh with my life. As much as I was living uh probably the perfect life, you could say, from the outside in, uh beautiful home, family, business, everything was great, but there was just something that wasn't happy within me, and I was searching. And I've always been somewhat of a spiritual person. My dad, who's a musician, uh, was uh a seeker, and I was able to learn early on uh through many spiritual books that he had and people that were in his circles. So I always had that slant. I always knew there had to be more to life. I took transcendental meditation when I was 16, so I always meditated and I knew there was something there. But you know, so much is going on on the outside, so much stimulation from the outside in, maybe even or definitely even more today than ever with social media and devices, phones and television and news and network and just things screaming at us from the outside in that you don't think enough about the inside life. Uh, I have a book which we'll talk about a little bit later called Grief to Gratitude, but the subtitle is Embracing the Inner Pathway to Healing and Peace. And that's what I would tell anyone going through any form of a midlife crisis, is the outside world, no matter how much we have or how little we have, is not going to provide us with any kind of permanent happiness. The outside in world is a world that we all live in. We have to live in it, obviously, but we put too much pressure on it, expecting us to give us contentment and happiness. We think that money or the next car or the new house or the next relationship is going to give us permanent satisfaction or happiness. And that is just not the case. And I think when you live long enough, you begin to realize that. And that might be the beginning of a middle life crisis, is saying, wow, I've got it all, or I've got what I've got, but there's a something, there's a hole in me, there's something that I still need. And now, this is a dangerous turning point because this is where people stray and they think, well, you know, maybe I need to uh leave my wife, maybe I need to have an affair, maybe I need to do more alcohol or drugs, or get involved with whatever other outside stimuli that we think is going to make a difference on the inside. And that's not the case. What I would tell you, in my experience, is I had to find this inner uh peace, I guess I would call it, within myself. Meditation was a big help. Uh, I also learned to journal, and I would journal on a regular basis how I would feel just to get those feelings out. I would talk to friends that I knew uh would be understanding and not just jump into agreeing or sympathy, but they would listen open-mindedly and we could talk. And I, through many books that I decided I needed to read, uh, mostly spiritual books by authors like Eckhart Pole and David Hawkins and Michael Singer, and uh a book that I've really gotten into over the years uh since that point and still am today, A Course in Miracles. These are books that are transformative and they make you look at life from the inside out. And that is really the main point of, I think, a midlife crisis. If we can move through it in a healthy way, we begin to realize that life is not from the outside in, but it's actually from the inside out. And I can find the truth of who I really am within myself. And when I know who I am, and I can be more in that peaceful place and not have all that chatter in my head going on constantly. Now I have the ability to use my superpower, I call it, which is choice. We can choose how we want to respond to life, no matter what happens on the outside, no matter whether it's a traumatic experience, a happy experience, whether it's a sad experience. We have choice as to how we're going to respond because the feelings and emotions that we have are really just passing through. They're not who we are. Can't identify with your depression. Uh, you know, if you start to say, well, I'm a depressed person, well, now you're identifying with it. That's just a feeling moving through. Sadness is a feeling moving through. We're far greater than that. And we over time can learn how to make proper choices that make us move through life in a much more peaceful way.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Amazing. Um, I I have so many questions, but let me start with uh the one that I ask most of my guests, especially experts like yourself. Do you think that uh we can we can do this change that we talked about? Um that we go from these um society-induced goals to our inner depth. Can we do it alone or do we need a coach or a mentor?

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Yeah, you know, I think everyone needs someone, uh, whether it's a professional, whether it's someone that's just in your life that you have a relationship with that understands you at a bit of a higher level. You know, most people in our lives um, you know, are uh are really in a relationship with us where, you know, they'll they'll agree with us, they'll empathize or sympathize with us, and that's all fine. But what we need is someone that truly will listen, someone that truly uh cares. Uh, and if we're fortunate, that could be a family member, could be a spouse. Uh it could be, in my case, it was uh my spouse and my sister. Uh I never had professional help, although I went for uh retreats. I I was uh I would go to many retreats where uh I was with people of like mind that were truly looking to understand the inner pathway. Uh I went to retreats held by Eckhart Tolli and some of the great, what I feel are spiritual masters of the day, current, you know, contemporary spiritual masters. And uh, you know, I go on these week-long retreats, and many times uh you would be in silence in these retreats. And that is one of the most important uh, I would say, uh, medicines, if you want to call it, that will get us in touch. If you could stay in silence uh for five minutes, forget about hours, if we could stay in silence for five minutes, it would be an amazing experience for most people that have not had that experience to see that you know the thought-based mind begins to calm down. It's still going. It's like, you know, they call it the monkey mind. It keeps going through, you're seeing all this stuff go through, but slowly that begins to subside. Slowly, uh, you know, the the jets cool, so to speak, and the volume is not as high. And you find yourself in a different place where it's this really is a nice place to be. It's a peaceful place. You know, one of my first experiences, because I was in a business of finance, and so it was all about interacting and always talking. And uh, so my first retreat uh was with Eckhartoli many, many years ago. And uh, and they said you could be in silence for the week if you want, which I was not ready for, but you could also have your meals in silence. So the very first time I sat down for a at a table that was in silence for in the we were having lunch. Uh it was a strange experience because I sat down and I'm very used to being social. Hi, how you doing? Say hello. But everybody was just there in their own little world eating. So I sat down and I've got to say, it was the very first time for maybe I was at that table for 45 minutes. I thoroughly enjoyed my food beyond ever before. Every bite I tasted. I was so present in the moment. Uh, I was enjoying everything that was going on. My mind was quieting down. I didn't have to think about talking to somebody about who I was or what I did and all the outside crap. And I began to get more in touch with my inside, which which I think they call being in the in the moment, you know, being present. And everything just became so much more colorful and beautiful and tasty. And uh so my point being, silence. I recommend this so highly to everyone. Five, ten minutes in the morning, five or ten minutes at night. Uh, you know, meditation, uh I've taken transcendental meditation, which gives you a mantra, but that's a tougher way to meditate. Uh, you may want to do a guided meditation, which you can find. You may want to do breathing exercises, but anything that gets you more in touch with the inside part of you, your inner world, as opposed to constantly reacting to this outer world. We're in a constant reactive state. We've got to give ourselves a chance to calm that all down and know that uh there's such a greater part of us that we can be in touch with.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

Uh amazing. So uh I really like how you put it that everyone needs someone, and that uh the best thing would be basically if that can be someone close to you, and uh I can so relate to that because uh my girlfriend is psychotherapy, so I get a therapy all the time. Uh but um what uh I wanted uh to talk more about is your book uh breathing to gratitude. Can can can we uh can we um can you explain what what what is the background story and uh why why why was that book needed? Because I feel so deeply that gratitude is uh something that is undervalued in our society because we we have become so entitled. Uh and we and and and this entitlement academic uh epidemic is a huge problem because uh on one side we we hear all these gurus, everything belongs to you, you just have to think of it and you can make it and stuff like that. But it is it is uh the two sides there are two sides to this coin because with entitlement, you lose gratitude, and gratitude is in my experience, one of the best tools in self-development. Uh, can you explain a bit more about your book? What's your angle on the gratitude?

SPEAKER_00 13:08

Yes. Yeah, well, my book, uh I never intended to be an author. Uh, I was in finance, as I told as I said, most all my life. And uh, but my son died, and um, that was 21 years ago. And literally the next morning, I knew that I needed to be able to express these raw, intense emotions that are unimaginable. To lose a child, uh it may be the hardest human thing we could ever do. And so I began journaling, and journaling became a therapy for me, and I was doing it at least once or twice a day on a daily basis, and I did that for year after year after year. I only just six years ago when I sold my business, began to look back at my journals. I never took the time to read them back. I just would dream of consciousness, be writing and writing and writing. I had a bookshelf of probably 30 journals by this point. So I said, geez, I got a little time on my hand. Let me start reading through them. And it was rough first few because it was just that intensity of the emotion that took me right back there. Uh but as I kept reading, I started to realize that I was writing about different ways of looking at this experience many times. Uh, I was finding myself having little uh revelations, if you'd call it that, where I was beginning to see death and life in a bit of a different way. As an example, uh one of the early shifts that occurred, uh, and I saw this change even every bit of the way I was journaling, is I began to realize that, you know, my son and I had such a close relationship. I supported him and loved him in every way, and any way that he wanted to go. I he was just a great person, and I uh and I loved and supported him. Uh and I thought to myself, you know what? If there's an ongoing journey, and I firmly believe that this human experience cannot be it, it would make no sense to live for 50, 60, 80, or 100 years and die, and that's it. There's got to be something more. I don't know what it is, but I firmly believe and even know within myself that this is just part of an ongoing journey. So that being the case, and accepting that I can't fight with life anymore. I have to accept that my son's destiny was only 23 years. And how do I know that? Well, I know it because it happened. And life doesn't make mistakes. So I accepted that that was what was to occur. And then I realized I can look at this experience from my son's side of this rather than just my side. You know, my side, the ones left behind, it's it's a very sad and lonesome experience. And that's the only way we interpret death is from our side of it. That's why death is so misunderstood in our society. But if we could look at it truly from their side and realize that this is part of their ongoing journey and that I can continue to love him as much as I always did. We had a bond of love that we still have. The love I share with him comes from within me, and that's how I feel it, and I share it with him, and I can love him as much as I ever have. We, in fact, through journaling, through meditation, were able to continue to have an ongoing and a growing relationship. Ultimately, what I realized is that Christopher was not only my son, but he was also my spiritual partner. And I began to see this in my journaling. I would start to start to uh talk to my son as my spiritual partner, in addition to being my son, Christopher. And here we are, he's on one side, I'm on the other. I'm still in this human experience, but we can help each other continue to learn and grow together on our paths. So that was one uh major shift that made me begin to think about what can be as opposed to what could have been. I, you know, when it was from my side, it was always I could have been a grandfather, I could have been uh, you know, uh, he could have been in business with me, you know, and coulda, shoulda, woulda, you know, I wish I could see him and be with him and have a cup of coffee with him, but I began to shift to what can be in our relationship. How can our relationship continue to grow in a very different way? Uh, you know, he doesn't sit across from me and have a cup of coffee, but I can feel his presence. I can journal and communicate with him, I can have this ongoing, continuing relationship with him. So uh through the journals, I eventually began to move more and more toward realizing that I was learning so much about life through this experience that I began to realize I have a real gratitude, not that my son died, but I have an absolute tremendous gratitude for the experience that I am going through and all that I'm learning about from this experience. I'm a very changed person from who I was previous to Christopher's death. I've learned so much, I've opened up to so much. Uh I've found that humility and uh gratitude are two of the most important things that you could ever uh have in our lives. Uh I began to find new tools, uh, you know, tools like I was just saying before, instead of thinking and thinking and putting so much pressure on our thinking to come up with solutions, which it doesn't have. Thinking just loops, it doesn't really have solutions. It's a very important tool and it's gotten us very far. But we need to find a place within ourselves in silence, and we need to surrender to this life that flows through us and allow it to flow through us. Those are other tools. Thinking is one, silence and being present is another. Uh, you know, other tools uh that I found that are so important are compassion and forgiveness as opposed to anger and blame. And and then also what I've learned and practice on a regular basis is acceptance is an important tool in life as opposed to just looking at our own judgments and opinions, but being open and accepting. So these are just different types of tools, and I think the most important being gratitude, gratitude for this amazing life that we live. We've been put on this beautiful little planet, this relative small little piece of dust in this unbelievably uncomprehensible universe. And how fortunate are we to get some period of time to live in the human experience and enjoy all that this planet has to offer? And you know, and I know that people maybe want more in their life, and they can have more in their life, but it's got to start with working on the inside first. And if we can find ourselves being more humble, which means accepting life and allowing it to flow through us, being more grateful for everything from the air that we breathe to the water that we drink, to the trees, to our families, and for the challenges of life. That's what I call is a bigger step into even radical gratitude, where even the challenges of life you become grateful for because you realize that those challenges are opportunities for me to be able to continue to grow. And, you know, a couple of tools that I would also use, just statements that I would say to try to help me move through my day in a more loving and compassionate way. Uh, you know, if I had any kind of a problem, a dilemma, a situation with a relationship or whatever the case may be, I would slow my mind down just for a second and ask myself, what would love do now? Just by asking that question, it slows everything down, and all of a sudden, new options come up if you allow that space. And all of a sudden, instead of just going in the one direction with your opinions and your judgments and your feelings and you're defending yourself, what would love do now? A very humble way to be, and also a way to tap into more of gratitude and using that as a tool to enable you to have other ways of maybe responding to a person, place, or thing in a much more caring way than the way that we might otherwise.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

Steven, that these are amazing insights, and uh thank you that you share these insights through your story because I I I think that every one of our listeners will benefit hugely and especially uh how uh you explained that we just need to be humbled in in order to be able to become uh full of gratitude. Uh before we wrap up, please tell our listeners and our viewers where they can get in touch with you, where they can buy your book.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Uh you know, the book is available on Amazon. It's Reef to Gratitude. Uh, but the easiest uh thing is just to go to my website, which is my name, Stephen, S-T-E-V-E-N-Ferrara, F isn't Frank, E-R-R-A-R-A.com. So stephenferrara.com will take you to my website where you can get a link uh linked into my Facebook and Instagram. Uh there's interviews, there's much more about the book, and certainly you can purchase the book if you're interested. Um, and yeah, and I think the book is the story uh of my life in in you know after my son died, the many twists and turns that occurred, but more importantly, it's all of the major life lessons that I learned along the way that enabled me to move forward in a healthy way. And so anybody going through any type of a life challenge, uh, whether it is loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, loss of a job, or whatever the case may be, uh, there are insights that I share along the way that will help someone and give them a pathway to move forward.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

Thank you, Steve. Thank you for all these insights again. And uh thank you for being my guest tonight.

SPEAKER_00 23:58

Thank you, Peter. I've enjoyed this very much.